Jane Eyre

I finally finished Jane Eyre! I started it last winter but I stopped reading it around last January because I had stopped at a part where I felt what she was going through at the time. I thought it was a good time to just stop and wait to finish a later time. We were both in dark places (she having left her only love, and me, being depressed about medical school). I had seen the movie before, so I knew there was a happy ending at the end, so I was putting that off for when I would crave a happy ending kind of story.

And now I’m finally done with it. I get why a lot of people love this book. Jane is such an inspiring character. Her perseverance and endurance in faith, in the face of all the misery in her life, is beyond admirable.

My favorite part is this, when she is basically homeless but tries to remain strong, knowing God would help her get through it all.

Worn out with this torture of thought, I rose to my knees. Night
was come, and her planets were risen: a safe, still night: too
serene for the companionship of fear. We know that God is
everywhere; but certainly we feel His presence most when His works are on the grandest scale spread before us; and it is in the
unclouded night-sky, where His worlds wheel their silent course,
that we read clearest His infinitude, His omnipotence, His
omnipresence. I had risen to my knees to pray for Mr. Rochester.
Looking up, I, with tear-dimmed eyes, saw the mighty Milky-way.
Remembering what it was–what countless systems there swept space like a soft trace of light–I felt the might and strength of God. Sure was I of His efficiency to save what He had made: convinced I grew that neither earth should perish, nor one of the souls it treasured. I turned my prayer to thanksgiving: the Source of Life was also the Saviour of spirits. Mr. Rochester was safe; he was God’s, and by God would he be guarded. I again nestled to the breast of the hill; and ere long in sleep forgot sorrow.

She remained firm in her beliefs throughout, and it paid off in the end. She got her happy ending. She was finally reunited with the love of her life. The part where she saw Mr. Rochester, now blind, struggling to get around, was so sad. I loved their reunion scene. They loved each other so much. It was a love beyond the sensual. They loved talking to one another. They picked at each other’s brains. They teased each other. I have to say though. Mr. Rochester can be so cheesy!

I was pretty infuriated at her cousin Mr. Rivers, who wanted to marry her only because she would make a good missionary wife. He was so cold and strict. And yet Jane always saw the good in him.

All in all, a really  great book. I need to make use of this feel good energy that Jane has bestowed upon me.

It felt good to just read something non-medical. Being transported to another place and time.

Now from 1800s England, I go to the 1960s in the Deep South (The Help).

Doubts

I’m finally getting two weeks off from school! I desperately need some downtime. No one did much work this week. We were not in the mood for it. Yesterday my carrel had a holiday party, which was really nice. Our secret santa exchange time was super adorable. I had Lauren, and I got her a Dunkin Donuts giftcard, thinking she’d find it useful since she’s always going there for coffee. Andy gave me an amazing gift, an exercise ball! It’s one of those things that I would have loved to have, but would never actually buy. I really liked it. Can’t wait to actually use it.

I came home last night, started watching Captain America: the Winter Solider, which I finished this morning. I’ve really been going nuts for SHIELD/Marvel superhero stuff lately. I’m craving really awesome sci-fi/action/fantasy shows/movies lately. And now that Avatar ended today, there’s this big vacuum that needs to be filled with an equal amount of Avatar’s awesomeness. But of course, there is no equal to Avatar.

The Avatar series finale was good, but of course, I would never be satisfied with it because I will always want more. Why must the story end? The avatar world is so beautiful and the creators could do so many amazing stories with it. Sadly, Nickelodeon treated the creators ike crap so I feel for them and hope they are able to create an even better show (if that’s even possible?!) that they have complete control over.

Two things really got to me emotionally for really weird reasons, but if you know me at all, you must know that television shows really really get to me. Well one is that with Korra ending, it’s just another reminder that I’m not getting any younger and life is just going to keep going and going. More work. More expectations. More responsibilities. And my infamous Peter Pan complex doesn’t make it any easier to approach these with grace.

The other thing was who Korra ended up with…So I have been a hardcore Mako and Korra fan since the show began a few years ago. And I was really hoping for something to happen. A big beautiful reunion. But to the last episode, I realized nothing like that was going to happen, but even a little moment would make me happy. Give a sliver of hope. And I did get that. Mako nearly sacrificed himself quite heroically to save everyone. And he told Korra how he would be by her side forever. And I was really touched by that. He has to end up with her in the distant offscreen future. There’s so much history and love there.

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tumblr_ngtedrHzlN1ruu897o1_250The last scene made it seem though that Korra would end up with Asami! They became very close friends and then the last scene made it seem like it could be more than that. Ultimately, no one really knows who Korra will end up with. But for someone who takes tv relationships very seriously, her not ending up with Mako was a stab in the heart. Ugh. And now I’m projecting all this on to myself.

Korra and Mako (as all my fave couples) are placeholders for romantic stuff at the moment, since I don’t do relationships in the real world. So when they didn’t end up together officially, it just feels like I won’t be getting the happy ending I envisioned for myself. Like the real happy ending. *sigh* I just feel that I just keep getting older and I know I have way more time to find someone or meet someone but I’m always scared thats not going to happen. And then I’m just going to be so damn miserable for the rest of my life. My parents will just make me marry anyone to have babies. Or on a more morbid note, I feel that something really horrible is going to happen to me and I won’t be able to even think about any of that stuff. I have an idea of this guy in my head, but he probably doesn’t exist. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but I don’t know…he’s gotta click with me. I don’t want it to feel forced. And these days most guys are so damn screwed up or they already have someone. I wonder if my guy is out there and he’s also facing a similar dilemma.

Anyway while I sit here and mope, and listen to avatar music to make me even more depressed, I need to post these gifs to record the beauty of avatar. Who knows when I’ll rewatch all these amazing episodes.

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Skyeward

I should be going to bed but I need to get out my latest television obsession feelings that began this weekend. I binged on all 30ish episodes of Agents of SHIELD. The first few episodes were a bit slow because it was exploring the different characters and their world. But by midway of season 1, which started last year, it was so so so good. I was having heart attacks!!

The show is about an organization (SHIELD) that maintains a world filled with supernatural/superhero stuff. It’s actually a spinoff of the Avengers movies. The show isn’t about the big time superheroes like Captain America or Iron Man, but normal human being agents that try to bring justice to the world. The show got so so crazy, especially by this second season, especially since you cannot tell what the motives are of the characters. There’s so much double/triple agenting going on, you have no idea who is on the side of right or wrong, and this leads to a lot of suspense. I also like how supernatural/alien stuff is woven in.

Anyway, the main reason I wanted to give this show a go was 1. looking for a good action show and 2. I needed a new tv couple, which I was excited about before and then kind of went downhill…

So half of this couple is Skye, who I love because she’s got a fun personality, and she’s also really funny. The actress is also a year younger than me so I feel old. Skye is an expert hacker, and a newbie to SHIELD, but she ends up learning a lot and gets more badass by each episode.

Her supervisor, Grant Ward, trains her. He’s an extremely good fighter. Like he is gooddd. He’s a very cold guy, but he warms up to Skye eventually. He doesn’t open up to others, so I was thinking these two would make that adorable couple with the cold quiet guy and the cute perky girl. They actually reminded me a lot of Korra and Mako from avatar.

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Lawls this reminds me of myself. Also cute that tough guy is ticklish

And it seemed like it was going to go well at the end of season 1…until Ward turns to the dark side. So apparently he had a very rough childhood with horrible parents and older brother. He ended up in juvie, and then was taken up by a bad SHIELD guy. So Ward essentially never had good influence in his life at all. He becomes this creepy sociopath who ends up having deeper feelings for Skye. Of course though, he being crazy, she’s absolutely disgusted. He’s killed many innocent people and severely damaged the brain of one important character. In the real world, everything he’s done would be unpardonable.

But interesting thing about Ward, he’s not evil or anything. But he’s not a solid good guy either. He has good moments, but he’s shown more of his darker nature. So if one of my friends was with a guy like this in the real world, I would be like girl stay the hell away from him, no matter how crappy his life was in the past. Ugh but this being a tv show, I can’t help but hope for a better outcome for Skye and Ward (Skyeward as people call them). Maybe he will redeem himself in some capacity in a few years, since the damage done is really bad and won’t go away like that. Ward does really like, maybe even love Skye, but his methods are very questionable, so everything is up in the air. Skye also now has superpowers so her character will also be going through a lot. The fact remains though that the characters have amazing chemistry so it’s always interesting to see them interact. 

Okay so, all friends of mine should know that I dig facial hair. And when I see a guy with amazing facial hair, I will explode.

So before I started watching AoS, I saw a picture of Ward. He was cute, but nothing great. And then I saw him on the show, acting and doing his thing and then I was like whoa he’s pretty hot actually. And then second season, he was a prisoner and grew a beard. He.looked.so.damn.hot. HOTT!!!I was losing my mind every time they showed him. And you can imagine how sad I was when he shaved it =( =( =(

Look at him! He looks way more masculine, ooofff

Aside from the couple stuff, I really like the story of the show. It’s so unpredictable and suspenseful. I think I actually prefer it to Arrow because there’s way more characters in AoS and more things happen.The technology of AoS is just so amazing. It makes the show more dynamic compared to Arrow. The tone of AoS also got so dark by the end of season 1/beginning of season 2. The first part of season 1 was a completely different show altogether. This show is always in danger of getting axed, so I hope it does stick around!!

The show is pretty darn hilarious actually and all the characters are pretty funny. I really like Agent Jemma Simmons, whose a Hermionie like scientist on the team, and Agent Melinda May (played by Ming-Na Wen, who actually did Mulan’s voice), who is the most badass character on the show.

Ok well now that I got that all off my chest,  I can go back to school mode tomorrow…yay.

Currently listening to the Maleficent soundtrack, which I’m really digging these days (along with the epic Interstellar soundtrack)

Avatar Recap

Starting Monday, we have our Unit 2 finals so I’m scrambling to learn everything I didn’t learn yet and do practice questions. God I cannot wait for next Friday because I desperately need to chill out.

So I have been studying but not as great, because Sajid and I watched the new Avatar episode and it was really good and I can’t stop thinking about it because I got really emotional and there’s only 4 more episodes until the series is over for good, so I am so incredibly depressed, because I don’t want it to ever end!!

I feel that I cannot continue studying until I get all my feelings out from today’s episode.

So this whole season Korra has been very depressed and going through an existential crisis because she thinks the world does not need the avatar anymore, as all the villains of the past have said time and again. Her Avatar-ness has always been threatened (Amon taking away her powers, Unalok destroying Raava, Zaheer almost completely killing her body and soul), so it’s not surprising Korra was at a low. This is a huge turn around from the beginning of the show, when she was so ready to kick anyone’s ass. But Korra’s definitely matured and it’s been great to see that evolution of her character. A lot of people hated to rashness, but the creators were obviously not going to create the calm Aang all over again. I actually find Korra’s story more compelling because she’s dealt with a lot more and has grown up.

Her last enemy was an anarchist who actually had good intentions and could be a pretty nice guy…but his methods are destructive. He killed the Earth Queen…and nearly destroyed Korra. Even if she didn’t die, he still broke her to pieces. Korra has been replaying that battle over and over. She can’t ever get that horrible time out and it’s been blocking her access to Raava, her avatar spirit, and all spirits.

So this episode was interesting because she met Zaheer in his prison to face him. The meeting was so so interesting. Zaheer is not inherently evil. He wants to create a good society where people have freedom, are not bound by unjust and corrupt laws. His tactics are not so friendly. But Korra lets him know that he is the reason another unjust ruler, Kuvira, has taken over the Earth Kingdom. Zaheer is very upset by this. He didn’t want yet another dictator to gain power. So he ends up teaching Korra how to regain her spirit powers. He was basically being an incredible and generous teacher to her, motivating her to let go of her fears, and he ended up helping her to the spirit world after 3 years.

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This is a good motivational quote. Should print it out to motivate myself!

Now some people thought that was too easy of an out for Korra, which I thought too at first, but then I realized that the fact that Zaheer, her enemy (a guy who was so close to killing her), actually believes in her too, allowed her to get over that mental obstacle. It also gave lots of amazing character development for Zaheer. I mean, I’m still disturbed of this connection because he almost killed her. He beat her up very very bad, to the point she was in a wheelchair. But I like how he admired her strength, something she can’t even see for herself. I wonder if he has regrets of trying to kill her.

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The magic of avatar.

So Korra is finally in the spirt world, and then, cue the moment where I tear up. RAAVA RETURNS!! I have been dying to see Raava again. Or hear her really. Because I am obsessed with Raava. I always found her connections to 10,000 years worth of avatars so beautiful and inspiring.

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*TEARING UP*

So now Korra has finally made peace with herself and is ready to battle the big bad! Awaiting some sick bending.

Anyway…back to studying. =(

The Return…

Ahh I haven’t written on this in a million years! How is it already November?! My sense of time has completely warped since I started school. The days just go by so much faster. I never know what the date is, only the day itself like Monday or Tuesday. I can’t even remember a life before medical school. If I didn’t have fb, I would’ve thought all my friends I had before were just illusions. I kep thinking does so and so still exist?!

I kept telling myself I would write, but I kept putting it off. I guess there’s not that much to say really. There’s just tons and tons to learn. Every day there’s just a dump of information to digest. Saturday and Sunday are catch up days, but they aren’t ever enough to fully catch up with the week’s material. Unit 1 ended at the end of September, and it encompassed basic survival stuff of heart, lungs, and kidneys. The big part was anatomy of the muscuolskeletal system. Lots of muscles memorization and all their nerve innervations and blood supplies and particular movements. As tedious as it was, it was mindblowing to learn all that stuff. Just to make a fist in your hand is such a complex maneuver. One damaged nerve and you might not even be able to do one simple movement. It’s fascinating, but scary at the same time. I’m so much more conscious of breaking bones and damaging nerves and muscles.

Anyway that was 2 months ago. This unit encompassed learning blood disorders first 2 weeks. These past 2 3 weeks was biochemistry and genetics stuff. Monday we start cancer, which will last 1.5 weeks. Then it’s Thanksgiving, and literally that Monday test week beginning. So basically gonna be cramming everything in for those last few days. This unit has lots of diseases to learn about it, which can get confusing, especially with blood diseases. Fun fun. We’re all oh so excited for xmas break. We get 2 weeks off, so absolutely studying then.

Amongst all the biology stuff, we do have our humanities courses. We touched a bit on ethics, but we’ve mostly focused on the different parts of a patient interview, how to give physical examinations. We also did baby/toddler development this unit. We started health disparities and other social health/justice stuff.

Despite the load, I don’t find myself stressed really. We don’t have tests or quizes every week. We have ungraded ones, but I stopped taking them seriously because I rarely ever learn all the material to do well. But I’m saving them up for later practice. I’m really just in denial every time test week comes around.

The people here are awesome, and they get me through the days. Sometimes we just spend hours talking about God knows what, only to realize we are screwed and way behind than ever. But we manage…When we have time we go out to dinner. Earlier in the year we created the “amateur tennis club” for those of us who wanted to play but sucked at it (so no good players allowed). I still stink but it’s fun downtime with the girls. We’re probably going to switch over to another sport now that winter is here. On random days, when someone has almost expired milk, we’ll get together and make mango lassi and gossip (about boys as usual). Yeah we mostly talk about how we’re all screwed when it comes to finding our Prince Charmings (because there’s no one to our liking at school!). Also so many people have amazing talents, especially singing or guitar-ing. Soumya is like the most amazing singer ever. She should just drop out and become a Bollywood playback singer. She is that mesmerizing. The first time she sang for us, we all screamed by the end. And there’s so many great artists. If I managed my time better, I could a few lessons from these super talented people.

In the beginning of the year I was pretty good at being healthy. Then went by the wayside midway. I tried again a few weeks ago. I’m trying to be better about it. It’s hard to balance healthy living with school. I lack discipline (as always) but small steps.

What else…I have my own studio, which is very very expensive, but my main concern was having a roommate with a boyfriend, because now that I wear hijab, it would be pretty annoying to cover in my own place. It was weird when I didn’t know anyone, but since most of my friends are in the dorm and we’re always fb chatting, it doesn’t get lonely. Though I do get freaked out to this day going to bed. It is so so so creepy.

Anyways that’s all I remember to say for now. Maybe more to come another day.

The Beginning

I’ve been meaning to write about med school orientation from last week, but it was just so hectic then.

Sunday: Moved in.  My room is a studio single, so I have my own place with a kitchen. I didn’t feel like dealing with a roommate. Especially now that I wear hijab, in case she’s got a boyfriend, it’d be really annoying to have to cover up in my house. So I’m really on my own now, which felt really weird. I’ve been living with my crazy family for the year, and then it just got dead quiet. I didn’t know anyone yet then either so I felt anxious about meeting people. Later that afternoon though, all the dorm people met up for pizza and dessert. That’s when I first made new friends, so I felt a tad better by the end of it.

Monday: Monday was a really long day. It was basically just a day filled with speeches by administrative departments. Made more new friends though.

Tuesday: The big event on Tuesday was our service learning project. Each of us chose a project on Monday to do. I signed up for one that was supposed to be a women’s shelter. My whole group was just girls. We took the train out to Borough Hall, which was a really nice area. I saw Starbucks and other big food places and stores. I was thinking “This is definitely my kind of place.” The Downstate area is not exactly developed so I’m looking out for cooler areas.

So when we got to the place, we realized it wasn’t a women’s shelter. It was more a social services center, where people could come get help for jobs, take health classes etc. Many of the people there have a history of mental illness or are from low-income families. Basically they’ve all have rough lives, so it was cool they had this center to go to. We all first gave a presentation on stress. Everyone talked about the social aspects of stress, but then I saw that my slide was about all this biological brain stuff. I was like “Great I had to get this complicated brain waves thingie.” But I somehow pulled it off, and one of the people there said that he really liked mine the best surprisingly.

After that we played Food Jeopardy, which had questions about nutrition and food facts. That was really enjoyable, they all had fun playing it. I was keeping score.  Many of them left afterward because they had a class, but three stayed with us and played bingo. God I haven’t played bingo since I was like 6! I did win at one point. The winners had to talk about a talent, and I have no talents, so I was like “sorry guys, I got no talent!” I hate it when I have to talk about a talent I have or what I did over the summer.

After a number of games, we left. Overall, it was a really great experience. On the way, we made a pitstop at Starbucks. Had to grab a mocha cookie crumble frapuccinoo!

Wednesday: The first main activity we did was get into groups to discuss cultural competency/power and privilege issues. Before we got into groups, we watched clips from Friends, which made me sooooo happy. I had just finished the series on Saturday, so it was soo nice seeing an old clip! The clip was the from the episode in which Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey were feeling resentful that Ross, Monica, and Chandler had more money, who were assuming that the other three could spend as much as they could. Man I miss that crew.

Anyway, we got into different groups and just talked about various race issues. It was a really interesting discussion.

Later in the day, we got into our Problem-Based Learning (or PBL) groups, which is the group we will be working with the rest of the year. We did a little mock case, which was really interesting. I liked how we were already delving into clinical cases. Afterward, we went to our anatomy orientation.

After all that, we all went to different restaurants that we had signed up for on Monday. I chose a Thai place (duh), called Mee Thai, not too far from Barclay’s Center. There were maybe like 12 of us. I had a really great time. At one point, a lady had brought out another thai iced tea to a friend. He was confused because he didn’t order a second thai iced tea. Turns out, that restaurant gives FREE thai iced tea refills. We flipped out. That’s such an amazing deal. No place gives free thai iced tea refills!! I also got a refill but I actually couldn’t finish it in the end because I needed to use the bathroom and did not go in the restaurant, and I was stuffed full.

Thursday: In the morning we signed a little Honor Code thing saying we won’t cheat and stuff. Then a couple hours later we had our white coat ceremony. The school restricted each student for only two guests because they didn’t have enough room for way more people. Extra people would have to go to another room where it would be video streamed. That pissed me off because obviously I want my parents and Sajid to be together. Ma opted to go to the overflow room because she wanted my brother to see it. That made me really anxious because I really wanted her to be there. If anybody had to see it, it was her. She did give up her whole livelihood and chance to become a doctor so she could raise us, so this was the moment she was waiting for. My new friend Mary said she would probably not need her tickets in the end because her parents had moved away to Pennsylvania and would have difficulty getting there in the midst of the moving. Everyone else was also busy with work, so she did let me have a ticket! Which I am eternally grateful for. Student Affairs then told me that people aren’t allowed to give out tickets like that, which pissed me off again because that makes no sense. I was worried I’d have to somehow smuggle Ma in. But it turns out, they didn’t even look at tickets so everything worked out.

During the ceremony we had a an alum give a keynote speech, which was pretty good, albeit though, I wanted a little something more. I wasn’t really thinking of any of this emotionally, but when we started reciting the Hippocratic Oath, my eyes were swelling up. I was like “crappp don’t cry!!” Maybe somewhere down in my subconscious, these inexplicable feelings came up to the surface. Afterwards we all took pictures outside.

A couple hours later, we went on a cruise, which was so so so amazing. We had gone down to South Street Seaport via bus. Before we got on, some of us walked to McDonald’s to grab some food, as the cruise wouldn’t have main course dinner. Around 7 we got on the boat. The boat traveled up and the East River, then around the tip of Manhattan, up and down the Hudson, a little far into the Harbor, passing by the Statue of Liberty, and then returned back to South Street around 9:30. This was a photographer’s heaven. I am a diehard lover of the Manhattan skyline so it was just so amazing to see all the skyscrapers up so close, so beautifully. At one point after passing by the Statue of Liberty, I saw fireworks on the other side in Jersey. That was my first time seeing a fireworks show live, ever, so it was a great way to wrap up the night. I also spent time talking to my new friends, making new ones, and seeing old faces.

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After that, a lot of people were going to an after party somewhere in the city. My friends and I just went back to the dorm and talked for another good hour. All in all it was a good week to orientation. It was finally hitting me that med school was really happening.

Friday I had to deal with bursar/tuition stuff. And then I went home, making a pit stop at Chipotle at 14th St and 6th. And now it’s already my third day of med school. So far, so good.

 

I wasn’t supporting the US in the world cup before yesterday, but I eventually started cheering for them. It got exciting by the end, and they were so close, but…it wasn’t meant to be. What a heartbreaker. Tim Howard has been labeled the hero of the game, no doubt he was amazing. It sucks that he has to lose for all his hard work.

I found these pictures this morning and my heart melted. I love it when I see rival players act really nice to one another. Granted Howard knew Fellaini and Mirallas from club sports (Mirallas is actually his teammate at Everton and Fellaini is at Manchester United so they meet at English games), but still such a sweet gesture for them to go congratulate and console him. He definitely game them a run for their money.

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